No Woman Wants Your Dirty Mayo
by Mikachin
Summary: Gin pulls out a DVD that all the fans were raving about during a Gintoki sensei session, the one with the two of them in a BDSM play in the cover. "You mean this, Hijikata-kuuun?" He draws out that last syllable with that sadistic grin of his, and Hijikata chokes on his tobacco.


Sakata Gintoki walks through the streets of Edo, one hand on his stomach, one on the back of his head, scratching his life away. His long, loud yawn sends a nearby cat running to the dark corners of a back alley, where he is sure to avoid more plebs disturbing his sleep. Gintoki enters his usual drinking booth, which is really no more than a poor man's van that serves cheap alcohol. The place hardly has enough space for two people to sit in comfortably, but it isn't a problem. It seldom has any customers other than Gintoki and those funny fellows that gather around him. Gintoki enters the booth a little unsteadily on his feet, clearly not his first stop of the night. Three shots is all it takes to get him ranting and complaining about the people he lives and works with.

Hijikata enters the scene to the distinctive, endlessly annoying voice of the Yorozuya boss.  
"...I can't even **** a woman in my own home! It's no fair Gramps~ That glutton steals all my pudding-"

Hijikata snorts, taking a seat beside the silvered-hair man. "No woman wants your dirty mayo between her legs"

"Mayo—huh..?" Gintoki opens the booth curtain to reveal two ladies passing by within earshot. He screams at the top of his lungs, "Yo! Ladies! the Shinsengumi demon vice chief wants to **** the mayonnaise from your *****"

Hijikata slams the curtain shut.

"Shut up moron!" He hisses and kicks Gintoki's chair forcefully, sending the guy flying out of van and to the ground in front of the two curious ladies that are passing by, who of course, are none other than Otae and Kyubei. The latter flushes crimson in rage at having a man look up her skirt. It is one of the rare days she dressed femininely, although Gintoki suspects she only wants it to appear that way. She wastes no time to kick Gintoki back into the booth, caring not that her skirt flares up for all to see. The impact would have broken the walls had Hijikata not been there to receive the flying man with a kick of his own. Gintoki braces himself for the next kick, as they've obviously mistaken him for a soccer ball, but surprisingly he lands on the hard concrete road. The girls appear more interested in their couple game, walking away with linked hands and whispers and laughter that makes Hijikata want to barf. He lights up a cigarette, taking a good sniff of the addicting stuff, savoring it up with his eyes closed. He needs not open them to see the wooden sword flying in direction, directly towards the middle of his eyes. With a smooth move of the head, he avoids it easily, hearing it cut through the air centimeters away from his ear.

"Hijikata -kuuun, you gotta stay in character" Gintoki approaches the other man, taking his sword down from the hole it made in the wall. "A side character doesn't get to avoid the hit of the main..." he strikes at him again so fast anyone would have missed it "...character!". But Hijikata blocks his hit again with his own sword.

Gintoki kicks him in the groin and starts speaking in Engrish with a very bad American ghetto accent. "Quit embarrassing me you fool. I have armour plot"

Hijikata , losing his patience, grabs Gintoki by the neck, squeezing hard enough to bruise. "Oi. Quit breaking your fourth wall. Your plot armour will go flying off the air after I beat the shit out of you"

Gintoki goes silent for a moment. He then goes on to turn around and points his ass up toward Hijikata , "I haven't taken a shit since the show started Hijikata kuuun! I'm constipated Hijikata kuuun! Please beat the shit out of me Hijikata kuuuun". Hijikata grimaces and sends him flying away with a kick. He's obviously still drunk and blabbering, he just can't understand how the MC can be such a brute and disgusting guy.

Hijikata points a finger to the camera, "You can't say things like that Yorozuya, your homo lover fans over there are getting excited"

 _Interlude: Homo lover fan on the other side of the screen dies. Interlude end_

Gin pulls out a DVD that all the fans were raving about during a Gintoki sensei session, the one with the two of them in a BDSM play in the cover. "You mean this, Hijikata -kuuun?" He draws out that last syllable with that sadistic grin of his, and Hijikata chokes on his tobacco.

"Wh-where did you get that?" He snatches the thing from Gintoki and examines it. He clears his throat.

"Yorozuya, this is an official DVD. Where did you get this?! What the hell is that useless gorilla doing?!"

Gintoki makes a suggestive motion with his finger and hand, his grin widening. Hijikata considers calling Sougo in to murder the guy. He pulls another cigarette out, unable to help himself and shoves the DVD to Gintoki's chest.

"Have you seen it?"

Gintoki looks away, attempting to look embarrassed. "Of course not"

For reasons unknown, Hijikata falls for it. "You sick bastard. You've seen it"

"Have not!"

"You have!"

"Have not!" Gintoki finishes with a punch, and the little bar owner has enough. He comes outside and kicks them out of the place before they can scare away any more non-existing potential customers.

As they walk away, he calls out "Watch the movie together young men!". When Gin and Toshio both turn back to look at him, he winks, adding "it's very good".

Gintoki stops Hijikata from going back in to beat up the pervert. He fucking winked.

"Give me the damn movie" says Hijikata through gritted teeth after they have been walking for a few minutes. He is still angry at the damn old gramps.

"No way. I'm going to sell this. You just want to beat your chicken to it huh, Hijikata kun?"

Hijikata really, really wants to murder the guy. He grabs him by the collar and brings him close to his face.

"Give. Me. The. Damn. Movie"

Gintoki just grins and throws it up in the air, down the river bridge. Hijikata , for whatever reason, jumps after it and manages to save it, uniform drenched and all. He stomps back to the Shinsegumi HQ and Gintoki follows him.

"What the fuck do you want Yorozuya?"

"Didn't your parents teach you old men are wise Hijikata kuuun? I'm following Gramps' advise."

"I'm not watching it"

"Oh? What are you going to do with it then?"

"None of your damn business! You've already seen it! Go home!"

"Uh huh. The great Shinsengumi vice chief has needs too huh?".

Beyond irritated, he headbutts Gintoki and storms inside. Not without Gintoki on his tail like a goddamned parasite. The other Shigensumi members look at each other when the pair comes in, they look at the DVD in the vice chief's hand, then pretend not to have seen them. Resigned to his fate, Hijikata storms to his room past them and immediately pulls out the stupid DVD player telling Gin to close the goddamned door. Gin grins suggestively at all the staring faces and slowly closes it.

The movie plays.

It's a 2 hour long play of Gintoki picking his nose and throwing his boogers at Hijikata. Hijikata watches the whole goddamned thing gripping the sword in his hip so hard he's surprised his hand doesn't fall off from lack of blood flow.

Gintoki LOLs the entire time. "What were you expecting Hijikata-kun? Hahahahaha"  
He starts singing some American song about having the time of his life and Hijikata just loses it.

He goes to bang his head against the wall because it's against his code to engage in personal brawls, and he was sure he would absolutely murder the damn fool if he so much as opened his mouth again. He comes back to his seat on the floor with a bloody head and snaps his head to look at the idiot so fast that he pops a bone. He eats the pain.

"Did you say something, Yorozuya?"

Gintoki screams like a lesbian as he jumps, and punches Hijikata squarely in the face.

"Sorry, thought I saw the exorcist"

He punches Hijikata again. "Sorry, I thought I saw la llorona"

Then punches him once again "sorry thought I saw my shit-"

"Why the fuck would you punch your shit you fucking moron?!" Hijikata catches the punch and hits Gintoki in the face so hard that they both tumble down the mat. Gin ends up sprawled out with Hijikata on all fours on top of him.

Gintoki swats the other man away to roll to his side and props his head on one arm. One knee is raised, exposing a white, hairy, unattractive leg. "Was this your fantasy for the movie, demon vice chief?" He distorts his voice to what comes out as an impression of an ugly girl trying to flirt. Hijikata just stares at him for a few seconds, half horrified and half disgusted. He looks at Gintoki, really looks at him, at his dumbass face and his dirty kimono, at the stupid DVD still playing in the background, which had started over from the beginning, and laughs. A full head-thrown-back-laugh. The whole thing was so damn ridiculous.  
He makes a move to get up, but his foot is stuck between Gintokis legs.

Way, way up there between his legs.

Touching his dick.

A stiff dick.

His panic levels quickly skyrocket. What the hell was going on? How did his foot even end up there? It must have been when Gintoki pushed him off earlier, somehow, but why the hell didn't he say anything? And why the hell was he hard?! And just how the hell did Hijikata not notice until now? What the hell was he supposed to do in this situation? Could he just knock Gintoki out and gtfo of there? No, it pains him to admit but the man is too strong. He tries to sneakily remove his foot, but it's impossible. The movement startles Gintoki and the bastard dares to look down at himself. Isn't it common courtesy to ignore awkward boners?!

Hijikata fakes a cough. What else could he do at this point? "You have a mosquito bite between your legs, _cough_ Boss. Um. I need to move my leg _... cough cough_ "

"A bug?"

Gintoki jumps and screams with a pitch so high Hijikata himself jumps, startled. Gintoki takes his kimono off quickly, swapping at his chest and legs whilst screaming like a girl at Hijikata to take the bug away. Instead of the nonexistent bug he finds a piece of gum on the sole of his foot and he wipes it away on Hijikata jacket. He then finds some black matter of questionable origins in his underarm, which quickly finds its way to Hijikata's jacket. Then a fucking booger somehow makes it to his face.

Hijikata explodes. The damn idiot irritates him so much to the point he could kill him. In fact, he would do just that. And so he storms over to Gintoki, and with a beautifully formed kick, his foot once again makes contact with Gintokis groin. The man in question doubles over in pain, his hard-on quickly dying, but Hijikata , unsatisfied still, kicks the man once more so he falls to the ground and stomps on his dick as hard as possible.

"Commit seppaku" he tells Gintoki's son as he steps on it again. "Commit seppaku" and again, "commit seppaku commit seppaku commit seppaku!-" His leg freezes in the air mid-stomp when a disgusting noise fills the room.

A groan, grunt, some sort of noise that wasn't pain. Rather, it sounded much like, like... a moan. An ugly, choked, unrefined sound that was so disgusting it sent a thrill of excitement straight to his own crotch.

As soon as Gintoki realizes it he sits up and runs backwards all the way to the wall, seemingly sobering up immediately. He tries playing it off with "The homo girls possessed me" and picks up his kimono in an attempt to get away. Hijikata of course isn't going to let him off that easily. He grabs the kimono as Gintoki puts it on and the thing rips right apart.

Gin screams with his highest pitched voice. "Help! The demon chief wants to rape me!" He opens the door and finds the entire Shinsegumi eavesdropping outside the door. After a second of contemplation, he slams it on their face. Slowly he turns back to Hijikata , who has cleaned up and is calmly smoking ... and punching his crotch.

"Oi oi, you're going to kill your son" he says to Hijikata , approaching the man. "Here, I'll kill it for you"

He punches Hijikata in the gut, knocking him straight to the ground. He gets his wooden sword and slams it between his legs, hard enough to hurt but not to cut. Hijikata screams in pain, but his boner isn't dying any.

"Oh? Looks like your son likes it rough" Gintoki is grinning so much he's surprised his cheeks don't hurt. Hijikata can't take it. He's sweating and swearing and he wants to beat the fuck out of Gintoki. Gintoki must have sensed this, because before Hijikata can move, he gets another kick right where he needs it. Gintoki doesn't remove his foot. He shoves it up as much as physically possible and grinds it so rough that Hijikata screams. In pain, or something else, he doesn't know. But his boner still isn't dying any. He reaches up to grab something, anything, to help himself up. It turns out to be Gintoki's penis. _Of-fucking-course_.

Just as well. He uses it as leverage to get up, squeezing and scratching his nails against it as much as possible. Gintoki is crying out, trying to push the other man away "chotto matte, chotto matte, I give up master chief mayoness please ahh!" He crumbles to the floor, shooting a sticky mess of white flying to Hijikata's jacket and chin. The sight of it, along with his stained hand threw him over the edge. He threw up. On Gintoki. On his crotch. On himself. Laughter outside catches their attention. The door is slightly open and the entirety of the Shingensumi is watching them through the crack door, LOLing and exchanging money. Hijikata throws up some more.

* * *

The lights of the theater come back on and the usual crew sits there with horrified faces.

"That was disgusting, chief. Well done"

"Gin-chan, is that what you do every night when you sneak out?"

"Noooo! We're going to be taken off air!"

"I got a whip and cuffs and ***** and **** you can borrow chief. And please don't return them"

"Ohhh Hijikata-san, did you ever look at me like a maiden too?"

"WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING Kagura-chan?! I'll cut both of your ***** off". Otae kicks them both in the head and proceeds to break the projector and the DVD that had been playing along with its player and all the nearby devices that had nothing to do with it.

Gintoki and Hijikata look at each other with sunken faces, nervous sweat running down.

"R-right, what is Gorilla plotting huh? Totally not happening. Never. No uh. R-right, Hijikata-kun?"

Hijikata cringes internally "R-right. That strawberry underwear is a killer". Gintoki throws him a look.

"A boner killer!" He corrects himself quickly, much to his dismay. He looks around at the suspicious faces of everyone present.

In a silent agreement they all get up and leave, throwing them dirty looks. Gintoki looks at the other man, about to make some sort of remark, but Hijikata beats him to it with a punch in the face.

"Don't you dare, Yorozuya"

They rejoin their friends outside and part ways, each with their own copy of the DVD hidden under their clothes.


End file.
